How can we take feedback constructively?
We humans are driven by emotions. However, by setting emotions aside when receiving feedback, we can view it constructively rather than as a threat. A safe space is essential for detaching emotions.
We humans are mostly driven by emotions. Often, we are unaware that our thought processes are guided by these emotions. When our decisions are influenced by emotions, there is a high chance of making poor choices. Emotions also have a profound impact on our professional lives. However, this does not mean emotions always harm us. If emotions are utilized positively, such as for empathy or good causes, they can bring meaningful and positive changes to our lives.
Emotions in Professional Life
Let’s connect emotions to our professional careers—specifically, how we feel when receiving feedback from colleagues or managers. Positive feedback makes us happy, but the happiness is often fleeting. On the other hand, harsh feedback is harder to process and tends to linger because our minds are more attuned to negative stimuli. Harsh feedback can make us feel terrible. In the worst cases, it can lead to distancing ourselves from the person giving feedback. We stop listening to them, avoid interactions, and shift our focus elsewhere. These reactions are natural and deeply human.
I have personally experienced this struggle. It was difficult for me to take feedback constructively at first.
Why Do We React This Way?
Why do we respond this way? Why is it so challenging to accept feedback constructively? The answer lies in our emotions. Imagine being in a one-on-one review with your manager, where you’re told you missed deadlines, lack competence, or seem less confident. Hearing such comments can be hurtful. Your brain begins to perceive your manager as a threat. When we perceive threats, we instinctively enter a defensive mode—a survival mechanism ingrained in humans since the Stone Age.
In this defensive state, we amplify the negative meanings of words, replaying them in our minds. Often, we reinterpret the situation to paint ourselves as the hero when we share the experience with others. This need for validation and attention is another way emotions drive our reactions. However, these emotions make us more reactive than receptive, which can backfire. If we are not receptive, we cannot truly listen to feedback, and without listening, we cannot improve.
My Journey to Accepting Feedback
For years, I struggled to take feedback constructively. One-on-one reviews with my manager felt like demotivating experiences. After each session, I would dwell on the feedback for months, interpreting it as a personal attack. Thoughts like “How could he say that to me after all my hard work?” or “Why doesn’t he value my efforts?” consumed me. These emotions caused me to perceive my manager as a threat, leading to stress and disengagement during meetings. I even started doubting his intentions, assuming he was out to make my life difficult.
This cycle lasted for about two years. It reached a point where I realized this mindset was not helping me grow. I needed to think differently and change my perspective.
Shifting from Defensive to Receptive Mode
Changing my mindset was not instantaneous. It required several positive interactions to create a sense of safety with my manager. One turning point occurred when I was struggling to complete a feature that had taken weeks. I explained my challenges to my manager, and he advised me to stop fixating on that single issue and focus on the progress I had made so far. His understanding created a safe space for me.
Over time, there were more instances where he supported me during difficult situations. These moments helped me shift from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. Gradually, I began perceiving him as a supporter rather than a threat. I started interacting with him more openly, seeking his feedback, and considering his suggestions as helpful rather than critical.
Detaching Emotions from Feedback
When we detach emotions from feedback, we become more receptive. Receptiveness allows us to truly listen to what others are saying. By listening carefully, we realize that feedback is an effort to help us improve. This perspective enables us to see feedback providers as allies rather than adversaries.
Once we perceive someone as a friend or a well-wisher, we create a safe zone with them. This safe space fosters professional growth. Eventually, one-on-one sessions become constructive, and feedback transforms into an opportunity for improvement.
I’ve shared a few situations that helped me change my mindset and take feedback constructively. Of course, there are many other experiences that contributed to this journey, but it’s impossible to include them all in one post.
I’d love to hear about your experiences. How have you learned to take feedback constructively? Share your thoughts in the comments below!