Rediscovering My Voice: A Journey of Self-Expression and Improvement

A software engineer's personal Journey to overcome a profound fear of public speaking and self-expression. It starts with introspection and ends with a transformative journey towards self-improvement.

I was in a tough spot. Whenever I had to speak, I got really nervous. My heart would race, and I'd feel both stuck and numb at the same time. I tried to say one thing, but something else would come out. My communication was confusing, and people didn't understand what I meant. I started differently, and it just made things worse. No one could grasp what I was trying to say.

I practiced a lot, but my speaking didn't get any better. I couldn't even talk about what I did yesterday in a Teams meeting. Things got so bad that I started hurting myself, and I lost hope. I didn't know how to improve my speaking, and the idea of talking in front of people seemed impossible.

I tried really hard to overcome my fear, even preparing ahead, but it didn't work. I felt like everything was falling apart. I gave up hope in my life. It was a dark time until I found what was missing. Once I discovered those things, everything changed. I started to see a way out, and hope came back into my life.

I've created a framework to help others going through the same experience. Here are the strategies that worked for me to turn those dark moments into brighter ones.

1. Discovery

2. Realisation

3. Improvement

4. Summary

Discovery

First Speech

It was really important for me to figure out why I felt so nervous and scared when speaking in front of people. It took a long time for me to discover the reasons behind it. I spent a lot of time thinking about past incidents, any traumas, or memories that might have shaped my beliefs.

After meditating for a long time, asking myself tough questions, and connecting the dots, I found something from my past. When I was just 5 years old, I took part in a speech contest where things didn't go well. The audience was made up of parents, but mine couldn't be there because of work. I managed to say a few lines, but then I couldn't remember the rest of my speech. I waited for almost five minutes, feeling stuck, and eventually, all I could say was "thank you."

Later, my mom's friends shared with her that I didn't do well in the competition. I remember my mom telling me about it, and since I was competitive from a young age, that feedback may have shaped how I felt about public speaking. I discovered this by spending a lot of time meditating and reflecting on my past memories, trying to understand what went wrong and how it led me to feel this way.

That Accent

My family had to move to a safer place because there was a civil war that lasted for 10 years. Moving to a new place was tough. I had to start everything from the beginning – new school, new friends, different culture, accent, and dress code. It was all very unfamiliar.

I remember my first day at the new school. We were late for admission, but my dad thought it was better to start classes right away. The teacher agreed, saying we shouldn't miss any more days. I walked into the seventh-grade classroom, and there were about 90 students. The teacher was teaching math with a strange accent. When it was my turn to introduce myself, I stood up. Everyone was in uniforms, but I was wearing half pants, a blue t-shirt, and a red cap. As I spoke, they all laughed at me because of my accent and clothes. The teacher even made fun of my accent. From that day on, I felt scared and struggled to make friends.

Things got worse over time. Students bullied me by hitting my head, putting dirt on my desk, throwing trash, and kicking me from behind in class. Some even used my bags to clean the desks or walked over them. I was doing well in class, and that made some students insecure. One day, a student warned me to stop being smart. I said nothing and tried to avoid trouble.

This bullying went on for two years, everywhere – in the restroom, at the tap, in class, while cycling or walking on the road, even outside of school. It increased my fear, and I became afraid to talk to anyone. I didn't have many friends from school.

Reflecting on these experiences, I realise they shaped me differently, making me less open and confident.

Support

Since I have an older brother, I didn't have to deal with things outside of school. My brother took care of everything related to the outside world because our dad was often away for work. My brother did all the things our dad would do when he wasn't around, and I didn't have to worry about anything. I always asked my brother for help. He acted like a good older brother, fighting for me and being there for me, even if it meant paying for my school fees. I was scared to talk to people I didn't know, feeling like a scaredy-cat. I depended on my brother for everything. I asked for help with everything, making me kind of like a parasite for a while. I even got anxious talking to relatives. When they visited, I hid in my room. Growing up in that environment made me more anxious and fearful.

Mega Event

It was a tech event for high school graduates interested in joining a computer science school. Over 300 people attended at a bold and attractive venue. Everything seemed perfect with four speakers, two of whom were well-known in the tech industry. One of us was speaking publicly for the first time, while I had attended a couple of tech events before.

I had prepared to give my speech in English but, as soon as I started, fear and anxiety took over. I stumbled through a few lines in English and then switched to my native language. I was visibly nervous—shaking, shivering, sweating, and my heart racing. I couldn't process anything.

Upon returning home, I felt embarrassed and couldn't gather feedback from attendees or talk to anyone. Out of frustration, I began hitting my own face.

This experience had a lasting impact on me. I developed stage fright and fear of interacting with new people. Since that day, I promised myself that I wouldn't speak at any events.

Meet up

My old boss used to organize weekly meetings about agile stuff at nearby restaurants. Once, he asked me to talk about "Jira Pipeline automation using Bitbucket commits" since I implemented it at work. I said yes, even though I felt a bit nervous.

There were about 15 people, including the Project Manager, Scrum Master, Quality Assurance Engineer, VP of Engineering, and some Developers. I got all jittery when I saw these experienced folks in the audience.

I didn't do well during the presentation. I got even more nervous when I noticed the experienced people in the crowd. After it was over, I couldn't gather the courage to ask for feedback. Some people did give me feedback, saying it was too basic and not clear. I turned red and started sweating. I couldn't stick around for the post-talk discussion. Facing them felt like a nightmare. This event made me more scared afterward, and it changed how I thought about myself.

PTSD

When I looked at my colleagues at work, I always thought they were better than me in every aspect. I saw them as brilliant minds excelling in everything. They did great work and were confident in sharing their ideas. This prevented me from opening up with the team. I couldn't share my thoughts because I thought I wasn't good enough, and I didn't speak English well. I focused too much on others' opinions instead of being in the present moment. These thoughts made me nervous and anxious. Sometimes, I froze and struggled to speak. I wasn't willing to be vulnerable, so I often quit discussions when tough questions were asked. Someone else had to speak for me. I ended up sounding rude and less confident in what I was doing. This made my team trust me less.

Realisation

I kept avoiding this problem for a long time. Whenever it showed up, I'd deal with it briefly and then forget about it. Facing my fears made me uncomfortable, so I'd take small steps but quit early without being consistent. This went on for years, and I didn't take it seriously until I started getting rejected from job interviews.

In some cases, I got rejected right after the first interview, and in others, it happened later. When interviewers asked questions, I struggled to come up with a clear answer. It felt random, and I tried hard to make them understand, but without a structured speech, no one could follow what I was trying to say. After being rejected by several companies, I realized I really needed to work on this. If I didn't improve, I knew I wouldn't get hired.

Effort

I was mentally prepared to put effort on improving my speaking skill but i was not sure how to start. I tried several approach but there was no consistency on any approach. I was not improving without proper plan and consistency.

30 Day Challenge

I got a podcast mic two years ago, but I only used it a couple of times. I felt like I wasted money on something useless. One day, out of the blue, I picked up the mic and started talking. I went with the flow and recorded for 30 minutes. I didn't even realize I spoke that long. It was spontaneous, I felt calm, and I realized I could actually speak. Before that, I never thought I could speak English properly.

Later, I decided to upload the audio to Spotify so I could listen to it whenever I wanted. I had planned to start my own podcast years ago, even thought of a name and created a logo. Normally, I listen to songs while running, but I had the idea of listening to my own voice. However, when I uploaded it and listened, I hated my own voice and felt crappy. I didn't like it at all, so I stopped with mixed feelings.

Another day, with nothing to do, I decided to record another podcast while lying on my bed. It was 30 minutes long, and I didn't have any particular feelings that day. I just went with the flow, speaking whatever came to my mind. When I listened to the second recording, I started feeling like I could speak better, and I even started liking my own voice a little.

On the third day, it went a bit longer, lasting 45 minutes. I noticed improvement in my speaking, and I started enjoying it. That day, I stood in front of the mirror, imagining I was speaking at a big event with people interacting with me. I felt extremely happy inside, going with the flow and saying whatever came to mind.

By doing this, I recorded a podcast for 30 days. The shortest one is 30 minutes, and the longest is 1 hour and 15 minutes. It helped boost my confidence and made me realise that my own belief system was holding me back. This 30-day challenge changed my beliefs that had been there for several years.

Be Vulnerable

I am inspired by high performers from various fields. I don’t just look up to their achievements; I admire and respect their continuous efforts to create something great for humankind and make history. I look up to their dedication and the hard work they put in. I listen to them via podcasts and read their autobiographies. The most frequent advice from these high achievers is to be vulnerable and not be afraid to make mistakes. Initially, I didn't believe what I heard from them.

Let me provide some context. In most meetings, I used to remain silent all the time, being a passive listener. If you are a passive listener in a meeting, you will inevitably lose focus in seconds, and interesting talks won’t be interesting anymore. You will always be afraid of expressing ideas and raising your voice in the team, turning you into a passive thinker who avoids reacting to things that are not going in the right direction. That's where I was when I used to fear being judged by other people's opinions.

Then I started speaking up in meetings. Initially, I was not comfortable, and I contributed some ideas that were not well-received. No one valued my ideas as they were often subpar. However, I persisted in speaking up in every meeting. Sometimes I went off track, and other times I was not consistent in my views and ideas. Faced with such moments, people started questioning me, and they couldn’t trust me in critical situations. I went through all these moments.

At one point, a colleague complained to me about not being consistent in my ideas. He asked why I kept varying on the same thing. I accepted that criticism constructively as a sign of growth. Indeed, I was presenting different ideas every other day because I hadn't done detailed research on the topic. Sometimes I felt one approach would work, and the next day, after a closer look, I felt it wouldn’t. I struggled to make decisions on the right thing. That was the risk of being vulnerable. I quickly made decisions, and later, those decisions became my weakest points. If I hadn't learned to be vulnerable, I would have overthought and not shared my ideas with the team, making me a passive listener. The stakes were high, given the impact of the decision. Yet, that didn't stop me from being vulnerable. I learned a valuable lesson that later helped me improve on my own mistakes.

Be vulnerable, embrace the moment. You can control happiness, but the suffering of failure is not controllable. It is beautiful when you learn to embrace that suffering gracefully.

Be Empathetic

I used to be really hard on myself when I failed, often beating myself up. On the flip side, I never took the time to celebrate my small achievements. It took me a while, but I've learned the importance of celebrating little things.

I didn't realize how being kind to ourselves could have such a big impact on our lives. I used to think celebrating was pointless and that people only did it to show off. It was only when I listened to a podcast that I discovered the positive impact of empathy, making me realize its true value.

Since then, I've started celebrating small improvements. Whenever I speak better than I did the day before, I celebrate that moment with my signature dance step, the one I usually do when I'm content. These little celebrations have taught me to have a balanced reaction to both pain and happiness.

It's important to be kind to yourself during the learning process. Otherwise, the many failures along the way could harm you in the long run.

Listen Your Voice

I used to say whatever came to my mind instantly when I was doing a 30-day challenge. I would stand in front of a mirror to speak my mind.

At first, I disliked my voice for no reason. But later, it became normal, and my brain got used to it. As I became more comfortable with my own voice, I started noticing mistakes I made during spontaneous talk. I became aware of those mistakes in the next recording, and that helped me improve with pauses, filler words, and pronunciation.

It's normal to feel strange about your own things. Just listen to your voice; it's a process to discover more about yourself and your thought process in life.

Be comfortable on uncomfortable moments

I used to feel shy about starting conversations in English with my friends. Even if I managed to start, it would often turn into a long conversation in our native language. There was always an awkward moment to kick-start an English conversation, especially with those who share our mother tongue.

Initially, I began by initiating the first English conversation with my sister to practice. Later, I tried the same with close friends, and the pattern remained. I felt uncomfortable at first, but slowly became more at ease as time passed. I spoke loudly with my friends while walking on the street and wasn't afraid of being judged by others. I exchanged several hours of conversation by embracing these moments.

When you learn to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations, you will undoubtedly live your life to its full potential.

Take Notes of Feelings

There was a time when I used to feel really scared. I had a lot of anxiety and stress all at once. My heart would beat fast all the time. When I tried to be brave, it made me even more nervous. That nervousness made me sweat, shiver, shake, and my body temperature would go up. I can't really explain how much it hurt with words.

I didn't know what else to do, so I faced those moments by hurting myself and beating myself up all the time at first. I did that for a long time, like everyone does in that situation, but it didn't help at all.

I was looking for a way to fix this problem that was really stopping me from making progress in life. One day, I was listening to a podcast about human psychology, and there was a point about taking notes that made me think taking notes might help me reduce the pain.

I kept thinking about it, and one day, while I was out for groceries, I bought a new notebook. From that day on, I started writing down everything I felt about every event. Whenever I felt that pain, I would immediately describe it in detail. It made me feel relieved for a moment. I slowly made it a habit. I started believing that writing about my emotions and feelings helps me stay calm. I always keep that notebook on my working desk so that I can access it easily. I follow this pattern to write.

• Why did that happen?

  • I struggled to present well during the team meeting.

• How did you feel about that?

  • I turned red, my heart started pounding, and I couldn't talk to my colleague.

• What can you do to prevent it from happening again?

  • Face that moment, it's okay to fail, and be ready for the next time.

Embrace the Process

I used to be impatient about the learning process because it requires small, continuous efforts to get better every day. I wasn't willing to accept this ongoing improvement process. It doesn't mean I didn't put effort into learning new things. In the past, I started several things but left them unfinished because I didn't see changes quickly.

My biggest mistake was expecting immediate changes. This led me to give up on my goals in the early stages, which is normal. When you don't believe in something, you lack the motivation to pursue that goal every day. However, making small efforts changes your belief system gradually. When you take small steps forward every day and learn to recognize those changes, you embrace the learning process. This mindset will undoubtedly set you on the path of your journey.

Summary

I doubt readers will finish the whole article. People are too busy nowadays and don't have time for continuous effort in their lives. Actually, I wrote this article for myself to reflect on my learning process in the future.

I shared my learning journey. However, it doesn't mean I've become an expert public speaker. I'm still learning every day, making small efforts to improve. I'm vulnerable and open to challenges, pushing myself to progress.

In the end, the learning process never really ends. Identify the obstacles in your learning process, be open, face the uncomfortable moments, celebrate small improvements, and learn to find some enjoyment in the struggles you can't control.